The Breaking Points Turn Into Life Changing Decisions

I’m grateful that I fail, as it teaches me to be stronger as a person. It allows me to see where I’ve gone wrong as a human being.

Today was a lesson that needed to be taught, I reached such a low point where I had two of the biggest panic attacks of my life.

Early mornings are fantastic when you get 8 hours of sleep, but not when your woes had you up all night.

Lately, it’s been woes is me and I was too dumbed out by reality. My performance everywhere has been all over the charts. I take on projects but I drop them, I take on new friends and I end up dropping them and hey, I met a new guy turns into hey I dropped him too.

The last few months have been the weirdest few months of my life. However, if it wasn’t for those few months, I wouldn’t be here.

Today, I had to drop everything and seek help. Yes, I admit it. I needed to seek help.

I decided to walk to a nearby walk-in clinic and after waiting an hour I met with a male therapist.
I live with a dude, most of my friends that I hang out with are dudes, I work with all dudes and I did not want to talk to a man about my problems because I do it all the time and it doesn’t feel comfortable at all but it’s all I have.

However, the walk-in clinic was short staffed today, so he was all I had.

He, like all the other men in my life, thought I was a bigger crisis than he can handle and sent me CAMH. He paid for a taxi (like all the other men in my life) so it felt familiar.

The taxi driver said I seemed normal and he didn’t really see the point of me going there. My response of “I’m just really sad” didn’t tickle his fancy so he acted as my second male therapist of the day – He just assumed my problems and gave me such random ass advice.

Once I arrived at CAMH, I was pretty exhausted. I was ready to seek help. I got to the desk and I was told it would be a 6+ hour wait.  My phone was at 20% and all the vapes I had on me were almost dead.

I went outside for a quick vape and thought “How seriously sad am I”. I started thinking about my day (and life) and went back in.

I literally left CAMH a new person. Those 6 hours were the longest 6 hours of my god damn life. Like I said my phone was at 20%, it was dead within the first 30 minutes of waiting there.

THE THINGS I WITNESSED. I will not go in them because I will have nightmares no matter what and I will not write out what happened.

I was without nicotine and alone with my thoughts. Luckily, by hour 2, my mom showed up to keep me company. I was curled up in a ball, crying. I was so happy to see her walk in with a bright orange shirt on.

Luckily, I calmed myself down and by the time I saw the doctor and at that point I never wanted to be around people who remind me that my brain isn’t broken it’s just weak and I have the tools to make it stronger.

Every time I fail, it’s a reminder that I have to allow myself to grow from those experiences. Today was a turning point and I’m excited to start being confident, believing in myself (mind, body & spirit) and rock my weird.

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